Lucky Gai's Irish Pub
by dead drifter
Summary: Akatsuki Crack! The evil organization and resident servant Tobi are invited to participate in the festivities at Konoha for St. Patrick’s Day. Featuring Kakuzu’s Pot O’ Gold, Bearded Sasori, Skittles spoofs, Zetsu’s seed and more! Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

"**Lucky Gai's Irish Pub"**

**Chapter 1: Konoha's St. Patrick's Day Parade **

**Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto, Lucky Charms, Rainbow Bright, Skittles or anything else. **

**A/N: Split into two chapters. First chapter is somewhat short, second will be considerably longer. Hm, for those of you who haven't read my other stories, the Akatsuki own an evil mailbox shaped like Gumby, Sasori ingests household cleaners, one of those masked tendril entities that comes out of Kakuzu's back has been deemed Mr. Chiclets, Pein eats crack laced candy, Konan smokes and Zetsu's 'seed' is green. Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day! **

**-oOo-**

"Happy St. Patrick's Daaaaaaay!" a trio of kunoichi cried, throwing green leis made of strung shamrocks over the heads of the Akatsuki as they walked through the gates of Konoha. One girl, who happened to look like Deidara's ugly midget cousin was brave enough to plant a kiss on Hidan's cheek before running off, squealing with fangirl glee. Hidan screamed as if he'd been burned and promptly doused his face with holy water. He dropped to his knees and drew out a spike, ready to impale himself right on the street when Kakuzu pulled the Jashinist to his feet. 

"No bloodshed today. Remember the rules."

"I'm not obeying orders from an overgrown leprechaun!"

Kakuzu's green eyes flashed and he wrapped his fingers around Hidan's throat and lifted him off the ground. 

"Did you just call me a leper?"

"No, you fucking moron, a leprechaun. You're dressed like one. Hell, your fucking tentacle rapist back buddy is carrying around your fucking pot of gold!"

"Pot _O'_ Gold. Accent on the 'O'." 

Kakuzu dropped Hidan and everyone started back on their merry way. The old missing Falls nin kept glancing warily at the crowds, keeping a firm hold on Mr. Chiclet's leash. He WAS holding onto his gold, after all. Hidan snorted and rolled his eyes. 

"What is it now, Hidan?"

"You _do_ know the gold is fake, right?"

Kakuzu stopped in his tracks. Tobi ran into him and fell backwards into Sasori, who fell and shattered into pieces. Deidara let out a cry of dismay and scurried around, trying to put Humpty Dumpty (oops I mean Sasori) back together again. Kakuzu glared at Hidan for a moment, then scooped out a single piece of gold and a magnifying glass. He held the gold and the glass up to his face, one strange eye magnified to ten times its normal size. Still unsatisfied, Kakuzu finally bit into the gold. He held it out for Hidan to see. When the priest tried to grab it, Kakuzu slapped his hand. 

"Look, don't touch, dumb ass," Kakuzu growled. Hidan stared at the gold. 

"Yeah? What am I looking at? Your aesthetic bite marks?"

"It's soft, like pure gold is supposed to be. It tastes like gold. It IS gold. Do not question me pot o' gold," Kakuzu ended in an impressive Irish accent. Hidan's pink eyes widened. 

"You know, I think you've been _eating_ your gold. All this shit has gone to your fucking head. And quit glaring at me. The fact that your eyes match your hat creeps me the fuck out."

"Keep moving, people," Pein droned from the front. 

"I think that's the last piece, Danna," Deidara said as he and Tobi screwed in the puppet's fingers. Sasori flexed them and nodded. Tobi dusted off his hat and placed it at a jaunty angle on Sasori's head and then skipped ahead of the group, showing off his festive shamrock shaped mask and tugging at his sexy scarf. 

"Why are we even here?" Sasori sighed, fixing his stupid red beard back in place. 

"Because we were invited," Pein answered. He had dyed his spiky hair green for the occasion, and Deidara was convinced it made him look like he had used Zetsu's fertilizer as shampoo. The other five Peins hadn't been allowed to come, because Konan had insisted that it would be too difficult to keep watch of six Peins at once. 

"So what are we supposed to do again?" Kisame asked, looking timid and keeping his head low in his high collar. The poor shark nin was more insecure than ever about his looks, since Pein had ordered Tobi to spray paint his blue skin green. Kisame resembled the Jolly Green Giant, but after Itachi sent three members of Akatsuki to their own personal hell, which was devoid of HBO and chocolate, no one joked about it anymore. 

Hidan still occasionally doused the shark nin with holy water and kept a safe distance from him because of his likeness to a certain diabolical Gumby mailbox. Kisame was holding Itachi's hand, since he was wearing shamrock sunglasses (sham-glasses) that prevented him from seeing anything further than three feet in front of him. Or that was Itachi's story, anyway. 

"We're going to watch a parade at noon then go to the party at Lucky Gai's Irish Pub," Konan said, looking at some notes she'd scribbled down on Tobi's Rainbow Bright stationary. He'd picked it because of the rainbows. Most of the Akatsuki were convinced Tobi was either gay or severely retarded. Maybe both. 

"_Pub_?" Kakuzu asked, perking up like a dog that had just heard 'outside?'

"As in…_booze_?" Kakuzu added hopefully. Mr. Chiclets let out a happy bark. Konan nodded and quickly looked away from the old man, who'd started to do a jig with his masked 'baby.' Tayuya came out of nowhere and started to play a cheerful little tune on her flute. When Kakuzu started to river dance, Pein gave Kisame a look and the shark nin smacked Kakuzu so hard in the face some of his stitching came undone.

"Thanks…needed that," Kakuzu said dully, rubbing his jaw. Kisame nodded and jogged back up to Itachi, who'd wandered off to talk to a group of kids, all of which were pointing and laughing at his sham-glasses. 

"Sasuke?"

"Who?" one of the kids asked blankly. Kisame apologized to the Konoha brats and dragged Itachi away. 

"Irish you a Merry Christmas," Itachi said. Kisame knew it was going to be a trying day. 

**-oOo-**

Konoha's St. Patrick's Day parade was a sight to behold indeed. There were floats shaped like Spongebob, Luigi, Bart Simpson, Tyrannosaurus Allan (A/N: did that just for the Brits), Barbie (much to Sasori's delight) and even…

"Gumby?" Kisame asked the towering float that looked like a mildly insane green bean.

"Holy shit it's the devil, un!"

"Is that your mommy?" Tobi asked Kisame. 

Hidan reached for his rosary and started to murmur a prayer under his breath. 

"Uh, Hidan?" Sasori said, scratching at his beard. 

"What, can't you see I'm busy praying for my eternal soul?"

"That…is not your rosary."

"The fuck you talking abou…" Hidan trailed off as he noticed that his circular medallion had been replaced with a Celtic cross.

"Oh my fucking Jashin...without my rosary, I'm exposed to all this heathen idolatry! I'm not protected from this satanic cartoon worship!"

Hidan ripped off the abomination and threw it into the line of skipping school kids dressed in green shorts and top hats. The flying cross hit a kid with whiskers on his face and he was knocked off his feet. 

"Believe it!" he cried as he fell. 

"Sasuke?" Itachi asked hopefully, sliding his sham-glasses down his nose and squinting around. Sasuke was there, of course, scoffing at Naruto. If he had seen his older brother things might have gotten ugly, but Kiba threw some chocolate gold coins at Itachi, who swooped down to collect them just as Sasuke looked into the crowd. Itachi shoveled the chocolate treats into his mouth without bothering to unwrap them first, and started to choke. Kisame had to give Itachi the Heimlich maneuver and when he was able to breathe again, Itachi stood straight up and went back to gazing blankly in the general direction of the parade. 

"Tobi can't see!" Tobi cried, hopping up and down. Sasori kept picking at his fake beard. No one else was wearing a beard, which utterly boggled the puppet's artificial brain. Though, looking at the Akatsuki version of the Incredible Hulk (Kisame) and Franken-leper (Kakuzu), he didn't think he'd gotten too bad of a deal. 

**-oOo-**

Next chapter will be at the pub! Yay! 


	2. Chapter 2

"**Lucky Gai's Irish Pub"**

**Chapter 2: Taste the Rainbow **

**Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto, Lucky Charms, Rainbow Bright, Skittles or anything else. **

**A/N: At the pub! There's a Skittles spoof in here. NOT mine. Alphabetical Misery mentioned in her review how a pub owned by Gai MUST have a drunk Lee, and I didn't think I would do it, but…I DID. Briefly. Don't get too excited over it, I focused mostly on the Akatsuki. And does anyone remember David the Gnome? Or was I just a weird kid:P**

**I reread this a few times, but I was tired, so if there are any inconsistencies, please let me know! I don't want people to be confused! **

**-oOo-**

Lucky Gai's Irish Pub was Gai's new business venture, as well as an attempt to one up Kakashi and his popular Copy Cat Bar and Grill, which happened to be across the street. It was overly green, stereotypical Irish, and extremely…Gai. The man himself was wearing a green top hat, white stockings and buckled boots along with his usual green leotard and was prancing around the pub, singing Irish folk songs no one else knew (and rather badly, since he was drunk) and clapping people on the shoulder and sending them nose first into the bar. 

When Gai saw the Akatsuki crowd into his little pub, he skipped over to them and Pein reached out a hand for a handshake, but Gai laughed heartily and grabbed Sir Leader up in a bone crushing bear hug. Pein's Rinnegan eyes bulged, threatening to pop out of his head. 

"Guh…C-can't…breathe…"

Gai picked Pein up and danced in a circle with him pressed into his chest. 

"Hey my strapping young lad, play me some youthful music!" Gai called to Lee, who pulled a fiddle out of nowhere and began to play a cheerful Irish melody. Gai let go of Pein and clasped his hands behind his back, kicking his feet in time to Lee's fiddle. Pein fell into a barstool and shook his head. 

"What is that guy ON?" Pein asked, pulling a green and white striped candy cane out of his pocket and popping it into his mouth. Konan sat next to Pein and mimicked him, only with a cigarette instead of crack laced candy.

Kisame, Itachi and Tobi sat at the bar as well, the shark having to help guide Itachi onto his seat. Zetsu sort of appeared, his upper body half melted into the glossy wood of the bar itself. Tobi cheered when he saw him and started pulling on the teeth of Zetsu's fly trap. 

Kakuzu got a table in the back of the bar so he could keep a better eye on his Pot O' Gold. Mr. Chiclets sat on top of it and growled when anyone came too close. Hidan, Sasori and Deidara took the other seats at Kakuzu's table, watching the masked…thing…with apprehension. 

"Hidan, get me a beer," Kakuzu grunted, pulling out a treasure map he'd gotten from a box of cereal and a red Sharpie and scribbling on it. Hidan rolled his eyes. 

"What the fuck am I now, your waiter?"

"More like waitress, un!"

"Shut your pie hole, bitch!"

"Sh, there are kids here!" Sasori hissed, gesturing at Lee, who was gulping down a beer and looking very un-kid-like as he did it. 

"Don't you dare shush me, David the gnome!" Hidan yelled at the puppet, jumping to his feet. 

Sasori stood up too. 

"Did you just call me a gnome, you masochistic prick!"

"Now now, no need for fighting!" Gai said in a sing song voice, pushing both men back down into their chairs. Gai whipped out a little notepad and a pen, which, of course, had a sparkling green shamrock at the end of it. 

"What'll you have, boys? Green beer? Or whiskey seems to be pretty popular today!"

"Whiskey?" Kakuzu asked, looking up from the lines and X's he'd been drawing on his map. Gai nodded vigorously. 

"Aye. Whiskey. We also got our own brew of green beer! I call it 'Gai Lick' and it's a big hit around here!"

"That's because this village is full of inbred alcoholics who'll drink anything as long as it's flammable!" Hidan said. Kakuzu rolled up his treasure map and hit Hidan over the head with it. 

"Ow, what the fuck is your problem?"

"If I can't diss your religion, you damn well better not put down anything as heavenly as booze."

Hidan glared at Kakuzu for a moment and looked like he was about to speak, but decided to keep his mouth shut for once. Mr. Chiclets was giving him a very predatory look, after all. It could have been hunger or lust, and Hidan wasn't stupid enough to try to find out which one it was…

"Beer. Now," the Uchiha demanded coldly to Lee, who was behind the bar wiping glasses with a rag. Kisame sweat dropped. Itachi couldn't hold his liquor, and he'd never had anything other than wine before. Who knew what Gai's special green brew would do to him? Kisame decided to voice his concern. 

"Er, Itachi? I don't know if that's a good id—"

"Do not deny me beer on St. Patrick's Day…_Kisame_."

Kisame nodded. 

"Give me a beer too."

Lee beamed and started juggling glasses in his hands and turned to Tobi. 

"You want one?"

Zetsu swiveled and glared at the boy. 

"Tobi is a good boy. Tobi doesn't drink."

"Aw…but Zu Zu, Tobi is thirsty!"

"I want a whiskey. Give the kid a glass of milk…and some…soda bread."

"Yay! Tobi loves…wait, what's soda bread?"

"It's Irish…that's all I know," Zetsu answered and caught his glass in his fly trap when Lee slid it across the bar to him. 

-an hour later-

Lucky Gai's Irish Pub was now crowded with drunk shinobi. Jiraiya had his arm around Pein and the two were singing something about a 'whiskey in the jar o' while Konan was on her sixth pack of cigarettes and her fifth mug of Gai's special green beer. Lee was now so drunk he'd started picking a fight with Kimimaro, who'd showed up with the rest of the Sound Five just a little bit ago. Tobi was standing on a table and hooking his sexy green scarf around Kakashi's neck, slowly stripping and giving Kakashi quite a show. Yes, Tobi had finally gotten some booze when Zetsu disappeared. Itachi and Deidara were dancing on the bar, kicking their legs out and sending glasses in every direction while Sasori hid underneath it, sipping at his Pine Sol cocktail in peace. 

Kisame would have been supervising Itachi, but Zabuza had pulled him aside to chat about the good old days in Hidden Mist and compare swords. Hidan was split into two pieces, his legs twitching over by Kakuzu's pot of gold while his upper half was spouting obscenities at the old man. 

"I can't believe you cut me in half you fucking asshole! Put me back together right now, or else I'll…"

"Hey, you guys see that, un?" Deidara suddenly shouted, pausing in his dance to point up at a colorful arch of light in the air. The bar went quiet as everyone stared. Itachi blinked at it, formed his eyes into the Manekyou sharingan and cocked his head. 

"I believe it's a Skittle road."

"Huh?" Deidara asked, turning to his dancing partner. Itachi nodded. 

"If you follow it, it leads to colorful, artificially flavored candies."

"It's a rainbow…" Kakuzu murmured, looking up from his treasure map. The rainbow disappeared into the ladies' room. 

"Rainbows lead to_gold_."

"So…what do we do?" Kisame asked, also following the path of the rainbow. 

"Let's go see where it goes, un!"

"You're all morons," Sasori grumbled underneath the bar. Kakuzu hurriedly told Mr. Chiclets to guard his Pot O' Gold and ran towards the bathroom. A moment later, Hidan scuttled after him on his two arms, then Itachi, Deidara and Kisame followed. Pein and Jiraiya went back to singing while Konan shook her head. 

"Idiots."

Orochimaru sidled in not a second after the group followed the colorful beam into the ladies' room and snickered. He slipped a prism into his pocket and looked around at the crowded bar. 

"So…how's business?" Orochimaru asked Gai, who had dragged Lee over to the bar and was force feeding him the Curry of Life. 

"Good! We nearly sold out of my special brew!"

"Oh did you now? Hm…I think I'll have a beer before it's all gone."

"I'll have to go get the last drum, be right back!" Gai said, and went down to the cellar. Zetsu happened to be down there now, adding his own special touch to the rather alluring drum. When Zetsu heard someone coming, he quickly "came" himself, kissed the beer drum goodbye, and disappeared into the floor. 

"What is this strange green goop? Mold?"

The green 'goop' quickly seeped into the wood and mixed with the beer inside. When Gai had the beer tapped and started to serve it, everyone went nuts over it, loving the new taste and asking if it was a different formula. Orochimaru loved it so much he preordered fifty drums for his private stores. It would be a good replacement for Jesus Juice, after all. 

Orochimaru started to slur his speech after five beers. After twelve, he could barely see. Thirteen and he was on the floor, blinking at Sasori, who was frozen with shock, his Pine Sol cocktail slipping out of his hands and shattering on the floor. The snaky bastard licked his lips with his inhumanly long tongue. 

"Why hello thar, Sasori…nice beard."

"Go to hell, Orochimaru," Sasori snapped. 

"Can I taste your rainbow?" Orochimaru asked with a laugh. Sasori glared. 

"No…"

Orochimaru started to slither over to Sasori. Gai swept up the glass while dancing with the broom and bonked Orochimaru on the head. Sasori scooted away. 

-in the ladies' room-

"I don't think you're reading it right."

"I'm not listening to a talking pickle," Kakuzu growled at Kisame and turned back to his map. The rainbow had faded so all they had to go on now was Lepre-kuzu's treasure map, which may or may not be very accurate, as it was pulled out of a box of Lucky Charms cereal. 

"You've got it upside down, numb nuts!" Hidan yelled. Kakuzu glared down at Hidan.

"I know how to read a map, dumb ass! I fucking invented maps!"

"You're not that old, quit deluding yourself!"

"Sasuke?" a soft voice asked. Kisame looked around to see Itachi kick open a stall. A girl with pink hair screamed and ran out of it, scurrying through the door. Itachi sighed. 

"Don't worry, Itachi. You'll get him next time."

"Oh my God, un! I found the treasure!"

Deidara was peering in the last stall at the end, which had a handicapped sign on the door. Everyone crowded around the blond and indeed, there was a small bowl set into the toilet, filled to the brim with rainbow colored candy. 

"There really _is_ a God," Kisame murmured in awe. A second later Kisame screamed as Hidan bit him on the ankle. 

"It's not God, it's Jashin, you heathen green bean!"

Kisame started to sniffle. He really hated the fact that he was now green. It was worse than being blue. Itachi's eyes flashed and he rounded on Hidan. 

"Do not make Kisame cry. I will kill your entire clan and claim you as my bitch."

Hidan shut his mouth. Deidara grabbed the bowl of skittles and lifted it up out of the toilet. 

"So…who wants to eat one first, un?"

Though the candy was inviting, no one was drunk enough to chance eating candy left in a toilet. So, naturally, they decided to ask Pein to try it first, since he loved candy so much. 

"Hey, want some candy, un?" Deidara asked their leader. Jiraiya was busy hitting on the pink haired girl that had fled the bathroom, so Pein was left without a suitable singing partner. He looked at the pretty candy and wiped drool from his mouth. Konan rolled her eyes and puffed on her cigarette. Pein hesitated for a second more, then plucked a single candy from the bowl and ate it. His mouth curved into a maniacal grin and his eyes glazed over. Pein shuddered. 

"_Ooooh…yeah_…that's a good sugar rush."

Pein snatched the bowl away from Deidara and started to shovel handfuls into his mouth. Before anyone knew it, Pein had eaten the entire bowl. He sat back and hiccupped, patting his bulging stomach. 

"Aaaah."

"I'm not taking care of you if you get sick," Konan said. Pein leaned over Konan and smiled dazedly in her face. 

"Hey…do I know you?" Pein asked. Konan glared flatly at him. 

"Unfortunately…yes. Quit breathing on me, you smell like antifreeze."

Pein patted Konan's hand, and her eyes went wide for a second before her entire body turned into hundreds of round, colorful candies. Skittle-fied Konan scattered all over the floor. The rest of the Akatsuki stared in utter shock and then took a step back. 

"Holy shit, un!"

Pein looked at his hands and cackled. 

"How's that for a jutsu?"

Pein turned to see Orochimaru and Sasori get to their feet. Sasori was yelling all the Irish curses he could think of. 

"May the devil cut the head off you and make a day's work of your neck!"

"What the fuck does that mean?" Hidan asked as Orochimaru blinked in surprise. 

"I think it means the devil's going to shove his shamrock down his throat, un," Deidara whispered to Hidan. 

Kakuzu had gone back over to his Pot O' Gold and sat on top of it, a big grin on his stitched up face. Mr. Chiclets wasn't too happy about that, since he was inside the pot and was now being suffocated by his master's ass. 

"You'll have to do better than that, my cute little leprechaun," Orochimaru hissed. 

"May you be mangled! A poisonous pain on you! The fate of Ned's cock to you!"

"Now you're just turning me on," Orochimaru said and advanced on the bearded little puppet. Pein stepped forward and poked his finger onto Orochimaru's forehead, and he instantly turned into Skittles. 

"Ooh Tobi loves candy!" Tobi cried and he skipped over to the pile of Orochimaru Skittles and dove in. He was wearing only his mask and his scarf now and everyone was thankful that the scarf sort of hid his naughty shamrock from view. 

**-oOo-**

And that was how the Akatsuki spent St. Patrick's Day. Konan eventually put herself back together and Pein's strange power wore off as soon as he got his stomach pumped. No one knows exactly how Orochimaru returned to his old self, since Tobi ate him. And even if anyone did know, they didn't want to go into details. Sasori burned the leprechaun beard and Kakuzu locked his Pot O' Gold in his closet. Gai's pub was shut down after the KFDA (Konoha Food and Drug Administration) found traces of plant fertilizer in his special brew. 

-END-


End file.
